im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
