i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I need to calm my uterus...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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