If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
