Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
