I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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