she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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