I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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