just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
