Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize