Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
