If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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