my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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