oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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