She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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