brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
