He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize