So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
