Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
