If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
