is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hippo gnu deer
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
