What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
