i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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