There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
