I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
