I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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