Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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