1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
