Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
