I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
