Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize