i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
