I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Bring me that man meat
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
