her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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