White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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