this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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