I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
