If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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