I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
