My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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