I am puke
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
