Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
