So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
