so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
