Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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