When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize