I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
