I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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