saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
