I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
