I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I will be naked everywhere
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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