Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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