I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
