sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
