I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
