he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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