you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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