there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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