You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
