I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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