I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
