I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
