Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
