I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Randomize
