Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
