he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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