I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
