Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
