I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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