What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize