We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
