Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize