He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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