I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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