Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
