i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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