guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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